AsiaLIFE

Some are running away from their own shadows, others are trying to catch up with their tails. Whatever their initial motivations, many expats choosing to settle in the Kingdom of Wonder discover there is a vast gulf between anticipation and reality. Mark Bibby Jackson finds out what living the dream is really like.

“I did sex, drugs and violence for 15 years, then I came to Cambodia.” Janet Newman’s motivation for settling in the Kingdom of Wonder stands in stark contrast to many people’s preconception of a Cambodian expat–although few come here for the violence. Newman, a criminal barrister in the UK decided to swap the courts of Birmingham for the jungles of Madagascar. Volunteering with environmental NGO, Frontier, she spent ten weeks on the remote African island and then a further ten weeks in Cambodia.

“I chose Cambodia as it still had tigers, which naively I hoped I might be able to help preserve,” she says. A vegetarian since the age of nine, Frontier provided Newman with the opportunity to pursue her dream. “I had supported a number of charities financially in this area but had never done anything hands on.”

It was while volunteering in Koh Kong’s Botum Sakor National Park that Newman came upon her way of helping preserve wildlife in Cambodia, as well as making it more accessible to like-minded people–those with little practical experience in conservation work. “I started to form the idea of an eco-lodge and talked with others on my group who thought it a great idea,” she says.

She returned to England and quit her job. “I am going to go and build an eco-lodge in the Cambodian jungle," were her departing words as she kissed goodbye to those closest to her. A few months later she started work on Rainbow Lodge, one of the few eco-lodges in the country.

Newman’s experience is similar to that of many expats who choose to settle here. Dissatisfied with some part of their life back home, whether it is their career, social life or the weather, many come to Cambodia to try out something different. In Janet’s case it was work. “I was fed up with sex, drugs and violence (mainly sex, rapes, child abuse, internet pornography, child murders etc.), fed up with working so bloody hard,” she admits.

Social Misfit or Saviour Mentality
Kristina Marshall is a marriage therapist working for Indigo Psychological Services in Phnom Penh. The organisation offers counselling and assessment for adults, adolescents and children. Broadly speaking there are two types of expats–those who are “social misfits at home” and those who suffer from the “saviour mentality”, according to Marshall. While the former, just like Newman, may have successful careers, there is some element of their existence that jars. The latter type is here to save the world. Some are running away from something and others are running towards it–whatever “it” might be. Newman demonstrates elements of both. Running away from a job she had tired of, she was also running towards a more satisfying existence–doing something practical to help preserve Cambodia’s endangered forests, to give meaning to her lifelong vegetarianism.

“Be honest with yourself about why you are here,” advises Marshall. “The problem is that people think it’s for other people but really it’s for themselves.” Few are really here for totally altruistic reasons, even those working on projects rooted in social good.

“There’s a reason why Mother Theresa and Gandhi have become icons, they didn’t just work for an NGO for a few years, it takes time,” cautions Boyd Bergenson, a colleague of Marshall at Indigo.

Those either befuddled or deluded as to their motivation for being here in the first place are less likely to find contentment in an expatriate lifestyle.

Johan Smits was a social misfit. Like Newman he was in his thirties, in his case 33, when he relocated to Cambodia. He first visited the Kingdom a year previously, delivering money he had helped raised in London for an orphanage. Intrigued by this mysterious country, he decided to give working here a go. An English teacher in Taiwan, and sales consultant for an IT company in London, Smits admits that his life had “no clear career path”.

Like Newman he had a good job in London which was well remunerated and provided him with ample opportunities for travel. However, he too found it unfulfilling. He was locked in the trap familiar to many in their thirties. “It's surprising how quickly one can succumb to the typical trade-off of false security against daily fulfilment in life,” he says.

Smits considered becoming an acupuncturist and setting up a nursery school in London, before accepting the opportunity to manage Kep’s boutique resort Knai Bang Chat.

Despite his love of the people and the country this proved as unsatisfactory as his previous working endeavours. “I found out that the hotel business also was one I could tick off my list of false dream jobs and moved to Phnom Penh,” he says.

A few years on, and you can add tai chi instructor, wholesale manager at the Chocolate Shop and freelance writer to the CV of this wandering Belgium.

Hardly the ideal candidate for giving guidance on making the transition from west to east maybe, but Smits has gained invaluable insight through his pursuit of so many career paths in various countries.

“Where in the past I would be looking at moving to different countries to help me find that elusive fulfilment, I've come to realise that the place in itself matters very little,” he says. “Finding fulfilment in your daily activities is really key. Having some close, like-minded friends around also helps tremendously. Once these conditions are met, I could probably live anywhere on earth, even in Belgium. It sounds obvious but it has taken me half a lifetime to figure this out.”

However hard you run, if you are running away from yourself, you will never get away.

For Marshall, the learning experience that Smits has gone through is as important as the lessons learned. “You should look at failures not as failures, but as getting one step closer to the truth,” she says. Smits previous efforts at finding fulfilment might have proved dissatisfactory but now he is better prepared for his new chosen career path–a freelance journalist and novelist based in the Congo.

Adopting a Holistic Approach
Smits observation about surrounding yourself with like-minded people is one that Marshall echoes. A specialist in marriage therapy, she believes that Phnom Penh can be a hard place for couples, especially if only one has come here for work. “When I first lived here I realised there were a lot of couples struggling with their relationships and that one would leave,” she says. The non-working spouse often struggles to find a place within the expatriate community.

While one partner might be living the dream, the other is going through hell.

“Try to get to understand the other person’s viewpoint,” she advises. “Try to find something you can do together.” She lists the Phnom Penh Players and the Women’s Institute Group as organisations where you meet people and have some fun. There are also various business associations that have a social networking aspect.

Bergenson prefers to emphasise more sporting activities. In addition to the health benefits, joining a gym or playing team sports, such as rugby, football, basketball, Aussie Rules or even total Frisbee, provide the opportunity to meet like-minded people. With a plethora of drinking possibilities in town, Bergenson stresses the need for creating some alcohol-free mid-week activities. Yoga, karate, kick-boxing and even capoeira spring to mind in a city that offers a multitude of social activities for expats.

Finding out what is going on and where is relatively easy. From Lady Penh to Khmer 440 to 7Days and AsiaLIFE, the fonts of information both online and in print to help plan your week ahead are numerous. While gaining access to places to meet friends and form relationships is simple, what you do when you get there can prove trickier.

“People who were popular at home and had established their niche find that when they come over here they have lost their social skills to form new friends,” says Bergenson. Admitting that there are lots of cliques within the Phnom Penh expatriate community, he believes groups are relatively open to allowing newcomers in. You just have to make the initial effort.

Mid-life Crisis
It seems little coincidence that so many expats, like Newman and Smits, move to these shores in their thirties, a time when many start to question that which before they took for granted. Instead of living the dream, they could in fact be going through a mid-life crisis.

Bergenson suggests a list of indicators that may suggest your dream is indeed a crisis. If you start dating someone half your age, find yourself more addicted to vices–be they alcohol, drugs or sex– leave your family back at home, act younger than you actually are, or launch yourself into something you always wanted to do but have no experience of, you might need some help. However, at least some of the above could be applied to someone pursuing a lifelong held ambition, so how can you tell the difference between the two?

“With a midlife crisis, people don’t sleep well at night due to their high level of anxiety and depression,” says Bergenson. “Also, You may feel disassociated from your life as if you are watching a movie.” People living their dream “when they wake up they are happy,” he adds.

Those who feel they are going through a mid-life crisis should do everything in moderation and “gravitate towards people who are stable and successful,” he advises. Above all realise that what you are going through is normal. Support groups can be useful to give you some grounding. If you continue to feel depressed then maybe it is time to seek some professional guidance from a counsellor.

Feeling at Home in Cambodia
There are not many greater crises than realising you are gay within a community you perceive as homophobic.

Raymond Alikpala was 35 when he first came to Phnom Penh. A trial lawyer in his native Philippines, Alikpala left the law to enter the seminary and become a Jesuit priest. “Sixteen months later, I was asked to leave because of my homosexuality,” he says.

Alikpala, who has written a book ‘God Loves Bakla’ about his experiences, knew he was different to other boys from around the age of 3 or 4.

“At that early age I already developed a fear of being called ‘bakla’ (Tagalog for gay), even though at that time it was more effeminacy and not sexual orientation that I feared,” he says. “From my teenage years onward, I kept on ping-ponging between ‘I'm gay’ and ‘I'm not gay’ and there was so much self-denial, I tried to tell myself this was only temporary.”

It was only when he reached his thirties that he accepted his sexuality.

“I left the Philippines to escape the humiliation of quitting my legal career to enter the priesthood and then failing miserably,” he says. “I could not face friends and family who all wanted to see me become a Jesuit.”

He jumped at the opportunity to take up the post of legal officer for Jesuit Refugee Service in Cambodia. Two jobs and nine years later, he is still here, and has found his life partner.

Alikpala’s example typifies the running away and towards syndrome. Running “from the homophobic environment that is Catholic Philippines”, he has been able to embrace his true sexuality in the more tolerant atmosphere of Buddhist Cambodia. Finding true love has certainly helped.

For Alikpala, the transition from the Philippines to Cambodia has been relatively easy. It helped that he came from another Southeast Asian country.

Irishman Conor Wall has also found little difficulty in making the adjustment to living in Cambodia. He sees many similarities between Cambodians and Irish in their outlook upon life. Qualified as an electronic engineer, Wall had what he describes as a “pre-mature mid-life crisis” upon graduation. He didn’t know what he wanted to do, but was sure he didn’t want to be an engineer. He was only 22. He went back to the clothing warehouse he had worked at in summer holidays since the age of 16.

While he was very happy with certain aspects of his life, a keen sportsman he played football to a high standard, he was discontent with the overall picture. “Working in a warehouse driving a forklift and running a goods-in department (with a degree in engineering in my back pocket) was depressing,” says Wall. “The only reason I stayed there was because I didn’t know what else I wanted to do.” He saved up enough money to go travelling, hoping that on the way he would discover some direction.

After travelling around Southeast Asia, he worked as a waiter in Australia for a year. On his way back to Ireland he stopped off in Cambodia, the country he had liked the most on his travels.

“I planned on staying for one month, but never left,” he says.

Although initially Wall supported his stay here through teaching, he soon realised that he had a talent for photography. Now he works as a photographer full-time and has just co-published ‘Carrying Cambodia’ with Hans Kemp, a coffee table book that includes many of the zany photographs he has taken in his time here.

Being a photographer was never his dream, as Wall bought his first camera here, rather photography presented a means for him to stay in his adopted country.

Learning the Language
One reason why Wall has settled in easier than many expats is his mastery of the local language. Being able to speak, read and write the language has allowed him to get closer to Cambodian society and avoid living in a narrow expat enclave. Most of his friends are Cambodian. It also affords him greater job opportunities for clients who want a photographer with a good grasp of Khmer.

The importance of learning the language is something stressed by Peter Gray, a volunteer for the Cambodian Children against Starvation and Violence Association (CCASVA). The organisation works in a number of Phnom Penh’s slum areas assisting vulnerable young children and intervening where necessary to protect them from immediate danger. He finds that a grasp of Khmer is essential, although as his own knowledge of the language is limited, he uses his partner Nary as a translator.

An older Phnom Penh expat, Gray was 59 when he first came to Cambodia to visit a long-time friend from back in Australia who had already settled here, Gray already had experienced a successful 25-year career in the medical devices manufacturing business. His transition to Cambodia’s non-profit sector had much to do with chance.

“A visit to the slum areas of Siem Reap revealed the ‘other’ side of Cambodia and I decided to spend a year here doing some voluntary work,” he says. “I sent my CV to 20 plus NGOs. CCASVA was first to respond… and here I am.”

Gray typifies Marshall’s “saviour mentality” model of expats. Always having a keen interest in helping the underdog, particularly abused and exploited children, he has now found ultimate job satisfaction.

“This is the most rewarding thing I have ever done … period!” he says. “Seeing children who have only known a life of abuse, hunger, the constant threat of violence and then watch the transformation of the child once they are at the Centre, that they feel they are safe, that someone cares for them, that no one is going to hurt them again, their faces show everything,” he says.

Maybe it helps that Gray has sufficient funds to help support him. “Working without an income is not for everybody so only those of independent means should get involved,” he cautions. “Think carefully before committing yourself as it will become a lifelong commitment. There are no shortcuts. You are either in it for the children… or you’re not in it at all.”

Do Your Homework
These are sentiments endorsed by the other expats interviewed. Johan Smits has found that a lack of independent income has been the major obstacle to his personal satisfaction. Having to balance immediate financial necessity by taking unsatisfying jobs with the pursuit of his dream of writing fiction, has proved difficult. With the publication of first novel, ‘Phnom Penh Express’, earlier this year perhaps he has now found his equilibrium.

It is Gray’s advice to carefully consider what you are committing to, which is echoed by most expats.

Elizabeth Keister was a fashion editor and creative director before she came to Cambodia to establish Wanderlust fashion boutique aged 42. Very much a pragmatist, she believes that “you trade one hardship for another”.

“There's no escaping obstacles,” Keister says. “Cambodia is amazing but there are many challenges here. There are many, but different, challenges in the West. The grass is always greener, yes.”

In addition to taking a realistic perspective of what you are likely to encounter and to remind yourself what the life you left behind was actually like, she recommends that you do your homework before you come here.

“Decide what you realistically can and cannot live without,” she advises. “Make lists of "non-negotiables" and figure out if you can make do. Ask yourself a zillion questions, do research, connect on chat rooms regarding expat life.”

Both Marshall and Bergenson recommend talking to people who have made a similar leap to the one you are planning. Phnom Penh is full of NGO workers, English teachers and failed bar owners. Why not talk to them before you commit yourself?

Whatever else you do, be clear about what it is you want to get out of being an expat in Cambodia.

“Knowing clearly what it is you are after also helps,” says Smits. “Actually that’s half the battle won.”

Draw up a list of the goals you want to achieve. Set yourself some kind of timeframe to achieve them and then check the list intermittently. “Time somehow doesn’t exist here,” cautions Bergenson. “One year seems to become two.”

Marshall also advises people to allow themselves certain luxuries to enable them to get through the trials and tribulations of daily life in Phnom Penh. “Treat yourself and don’t feel guilty about it,” she says. Whether it is a nice glass of wine, a massage or a day spent relaxing by the pool, if that’s what you need to help you cope, then spoil yourself. You will find your batteries recharged for the week ahead.

Cambodia is a land rich with opportunity. If you have a dream you wish to pursue, whether it be writing a novel, being a photographer or running an eco-lodge, Cambodia is the ideal country to give it a twirl. Laws on setting up a business are comparatively lax, the people are welcoming, and the tax regime is particularly friendly.

Take it from the people who know. “I would certainly encourage anybody to go for it and try,” says Smits. “Be willing to dive in, take a chance and enjoy the ride,” says Keister. You don’t have to trek all the way to Madagascar to chase your dream, it could be waiting for you here.

If you feel that you might benefit from some professional counselling, contact Indigo Psychological Services, 28 Street 240, Phnom Penh, Tel: 023 222 614, email: This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .

To learn more about CCASVA, visit their website at: www.ccasva.org, or call Peter Gray on 092 658 900.