AsiaLIFE

Laughter, a new car, sex, a glass of red wine, children, winning the lottery, and friends – these are some of the things that people say make them happy. But what really makes us happy? Nora Lindstrom speaks to a variety of Penhites to find out how they pursue that most blissful of states.

The Nun

Beth Goldring is a Buddhist nun in the Japanese Zen tradition. She says most people, at least initially, think happiness is about getting what we want. “But we don’t get what we want a lot of the time,” she says. “And so the question about happiness really is about how to be at peace with what is.”

A nun for 15 years, Beth describes how the Buddha never promised that bad things such as death, old age, and disease, were not going to happen. “What he promised us, is that it’s possible to have a peaceful, compassionate heart, right in the middle of that,” she says. “It’s about being able to be happy even when we don’t get what we want."

Beth explains how Buddhism starts from the premise that suffering exists – the first noble truth. This is sometimes misinterpreted to mean that happiness cannot exist, particularly as according to the second noble truth, suffering comes from craving. “Many good things contain seeds of suffering, because they go away,” she explains, but notes that this does not mean there is anything wrong with pleasure. Significantly, however, “happiness is something else.”

“Happiness is the stability in the middle of both pleasure and pain,” she says. “It depends on us, not our circumstances.” In Buddhist belief living within the boundless realms of the four cardinal virtues – loving kindness, compassion, joyousness, and equanimity – is living in happiness. But how do you do it? “You work at it, imperfectly,” Beth says.

The Psychologist

“The word happiness is a bit misleading, because it’s not consistent,” says Ambreen Mirza, a psychologist. “Happiness, like sadness, comes and goes, so what really makes you happy is peace of mind, rather than being happy.”

Many of those who seek psychologists are of course neither at peace nor happy. Some are outright depressed. Ambreen explains that there are essentially two types of depressed people, those who are genetically predisposed to depression, and those who find themselves unable to cope with a particular situation in life.

However, for those suffering from the condition, happiness does not lie in a pill. “Medication can help, but it won’t make the problems go away,” says Ambreen. She explains that the role of anti-depressants is not to function as a happy pill, but to help someone depressed get out of bed and solve or deal with any problems they are facing.

As a psychologist, Ambreen does not prescribe medicine, yet she recognises there comes a point when a patient is so severely depressed medication is needed. “They can’t sleep, they can’t get out of bed, they’re totally burnt out, nothing is actually working. Exercise isn’t helping, they have suicidal thoughts, they can’t function in their jobs properly, they can’t function in their relationships, they don’t enjoy what they do anymore. These are common symptoms of depression,” says Ambreen. For some, medication may last only for a short time, and particularly for those genetically predisposed to depression, living without medication can be hard.

Ambreen also notes the release of endorphins by the body, such as from a “runner’s high” or an orgasm, can lead to feelings of happiness. “But it doesn’t mean we’re happy only because of the endorphins, we’re happy because we place value on things,” she says, stressing how the body and the mind are interconnected. Her own prescription for happiness is fairly straightforward. “Good food, good friends, and the beach.”

The Mother

For Mia Jordanwood, happiness only really arrived when she realised life had to be lived by love. “It’s about the only thing that is reliable through time and space,” says the mother of two. “Relationships in life are the only true way to get happiness. Friends are important, work is important, and living as fully as you can is important. But unless you are in the right place in your relationship those things are all hollow.”

Things that bring Mia happiness include hearing her husband’s bike coming up the driveway, and listening to her son expounding ideas about the extinction of dinosaurs. Having children had a big impact on Mia. “It gave me a better sense of wellbeing in the world,” she says. “I now have a deeper sense of the fragility of what it is to be alive.”

Though Mia is no housewife. “Work makes me happy at a very deep level,” she says. “It’s really important for me to be working, and to be working on something that I think of as meaningful.” As a consultant on child rights issues, she notes how becoming a parent made her more sensitive to the issues and situations she is faced with at work. “My work is much harder to do,” she says, but admits that she is now probably better at it.

Despite describing herself as an old hippie, Mia says technology also makes her happy, through the things it enables her to do. “We live all the way out in Cambodia, yet have access to the rest of the world.”

The Art Therapist

Carrie Herbert likes the idea of free hugs. “Giving hugs not to gain anything, just to give,” she explains, noting how difficult that can be to do.

An art therapist by training, Carrie thinks of happiness as operating on different levels. “You could be happy when you walk into a shop and find the food you’ve been looking for, or see something you want to buy,” she says. “It can give you a sense of happiness. It’s a positive emotion or feeling, but it’s also a very short-lived thing. It comes in a moment and then goes away.”

For Carrie, happiness lies at a deeper level. “It’s about just being, not struggling, just to be happy to be who you are,” she says. ”You kind of get glimpses of it, moments of it. Nature inspires me a lot. I feel a sense of joy when connecting with nature.”

The combination of good food, good wine, and the company of loved ones, also bring happiness, through being more than the sum of its parts. “There is something about intimacy and connection with people that you can’t buy,” she says.

Through her work, Carrie says she has learnt that happiness does not come from avoiding negative, challenging, or difficult circumstances. Instead, you need to embrace difficulty in life. “It’s like a spiritual quest.”

She describes how people with addictions often have an unmet need or have experienced trauma. Instead of facing the issue, they try to fill the void caused by the trauma with something else, be it sex, alcohol, or drugs. But that is only a temporary fix. “Addicts need to realise their addiction is in place of something, and then look at what it is they really need,” Carrie says. “But it takes a lot of courage to look at that deeper level.”

The Consultant

“There are a couple of different areas of my life that make me really happy,” says Gordon Patrick Peters, of Emerging Markets Consulting. “The number one thing that makes me happy is relationships with other people, like friendships, and family”.

Having an enjoyable job is also important for Gordon, who describes himself as lucky for having such a positive outlook on life. “Overall, it’s important to think about what makes you happy,” he says, adding that he thinks it’s a useful exercise for each and every one to spend some time jotting down what brings them joy.

Mindful of what makes him happy, Gordon says he spends most of his time doing exactly those things. “When I’m down, I do the same things,” he says, explaining how playing football in the sun and hanging out with friends even in a foul mood is likely to make him feel better.

Not a newbie to expat life, Gordon acknowledges moving to a new place can sometimes be difficult. “I’ve been quite social since I arrived here, perhaps more social than I typically am,” he says. “When you move to a new place, you want to make new friends and so on.”

Having lived in Phnom Penh previously in 2003, Gordon already had some friends when he moved back to the Penh some six months ago. Nevertheless, it was important for him to expand his social network. “I get a lot of energy from people,” he says, but notes that he now spends more time by himself. “I do have another side, I like reading a lot and spending time on my own,” he says. “But there’s so much to do in Phnom Penh!” Ever the optimist it seems.

The Party Animal

Goy Chutima Ongisanthia is a party promoter. She lists her mother, food, music, and work as things that make her happy. As part of her job, Goy needs to keep a happy face at work. “Before I start work, if I’m in a bad mood I will release that first, in any way,” she says. “Screaming, shouting, a phone call to parents, or being with myself for a moment. And after that it’s fine.”

Previously an events organiser at Bed Supper Club in Bangkok, she says this experience has taught her that in order to do a good job, she can’t pretend to be happy. “I remember going to work before in Bangkok when I was unhappy, and it was written all over my face – people could tell.”

Though Goy certainly likes a good party, spending the bulk of her time in a loud, packed nightclub does take its toll. “I hate crowded places like shopping malls because I spend half my day in a club surrounded by people,” she says.

Consequently, in her spare time, she seeks peace and quiet. “I love to read books, stay in my little garden with a book, and enjoy the moment,” she says. “In Bangkok on a day off, I would go to stay in the jungle. Go to a national park, turn off my mobile, with no laptop, nothing, just searching for birds.”

The NGO worker

“There is a Khmer proverb – ‘When we smile, people will smile back, but when we cry, we cry alone,’” says Meas Kim Seng, founder of a local organisation working with urban poor communities. “So why make myself unhappy?”

Rarely found without a grin on his face, Seng nevertheless thinks there is more to happiness than just a smile. “It’s when you are true from the heart towards people,” he says. “Then people will be happy together with you.”

A survivor of the Khmer Rouge era, Seng’s work with urban poor communities in Phnom Penh also leads him to witness traumatic events, such as evictions and demolitions of people homes, as well as communities living in squalor. Though he feels for those affected, Seng does not let his work get him down. If anything, quite the opposite. “If you concentrate on the unhappy, you can’t do anything,” he says. “When you are happy you can do things.”

Somewhat romantically, Seng describes his early childhood during the Lon Nol era as a happy time, with his whole family living together in a clean environment following traditional Khmer culture. After years of war, he says happiness for many Khmers now means a country at peace, but also being able to have a decent job, and pursue hobbies in their spare time.

However, Seng says some of his compatriots’ current pursuit of happiness may not be for the general good. Instead, over-consumption and environmental destruction are destroying the foundations for future happiness. “Khmers should think about sustainable happiness,” he says. “Nowadays, people are not thinking about happiness for future generations.”

The Guru

Humans start off happy, but during their lives are challenged in ways that may make them unhappy, says Singaporean Kumar. Based at the Raja Yoga Meditation Centre in Phnom Penh, he describes his role at the centre as being “a friend”. He says health issues, relationships, too much thinking, and natural calamities often bring people down from the original state of happiness.

Consequently, the most important thing in achieving happiness is knowing how to cope with bad issues that arise in life. “You need to deal with the situation, and then let it go,” Kumar says. He adds that it is important to recognise whether a situation is one that can be changed, or one that simply has to be accepted. “It’s a question of attitude.”

“If you want to be happy, you need to be passionate about life,” he advises, noting that laziness often goes hand in hand with unhappiness. Meditation can help for positive thinking and appreciation of life, while constant happiness comes from the art of giving happiness. “Any form of charitable act brings happiness,” he says.

Kumar is particularly happy when giving knowledge to others, as well as finding new knowledge himself. “It is intoxicating,” he says. “Seeing someone who has transformed themselves, and a change in myself also makes me happy.”

Though clearly in tune with the more spiritual side of life, Kumar has his feet firmly on the ground. He lists basic things such as buying something new, having enough time for oneself, as well as getting enough sleep and exercise as important in achieving happiness. “We need material things, and spirituality to understand how to use those material things,” he says. “Happiness is a balance between spirituality and materialism.”

The Conclusion

It seems Penhites are on the whole pretty happy. Though the source of happiness may vary, few seem to think an “off the rails” lifestyle, so often associated with Phnom Penh, brings much joy. Instead, focus is on spirituality, peace, relationships, and a general positive attitude. But does knowing what makes someone else happy help bring joy into your life too? Perhaps the best recipe for happiness ultimately comes from early twentieth century American novelist Edith Wharton; “If only we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time.”