AsiaLIFE

No one tells the truth about sex. American Pie would have us believe men multiply the actual number of their sexual partners by three, while women divide theirs by the same number. Be that as it may, the sex scene in the Penh is usually described as a man’s world, with women complaining of a drought of eligible bachelors out there. Delving below the trouser line, Nora Lindstrom finds that there is more variety to the goings on in the capital’s bedrooms than the stereotypes give away.

The Regular Guy
“Somehow people are managing to have sex here,” says Aaron, a Phnom Penh long-timer, “but they’re not having as much sex as people would imagine.” According to Aaron, there’s a hierarchy in who sleeps with whom in the capital, with NGO workers on top and sexpats at the bottom. Somewhere in the middle are teachers and small business owners. “I have also heard there are swingers around.”

Involved in sports and fitness, Aaron says some people seem to make assumptions about his sex drive. Several women, as well as men, have in one way or another expressed interest in him. “If I was actually gay I’d be having good time, getting right out there,” he says.

As for the supposed great Phnom Penh man drought, Aaron says in actuality it’s “fake desperation” on the part of women. “It’s a big fish in a small pond situation,” he says.

Many come to Cambodia following their dream of helping the world, and feel they are consequently entitled to success in their personal lives too, he maintains. “People have ridiculous expectations,” he says.

For men, the option of commercial sex is readily available. “I haven’t done it,” he says. “For me to do that would be quite a big thing.”

Not that he would have to. Now in a happy relationship, in the past he would be hit upon without realising what was happening. “I’ve had western women apparently swooning over me, but I never noticed.”

The Serial Dater
Ruth is content with her sex life. With two long-term relationships with expat men under her belt, and a plethora of casual dates, she is what in Phnom Penh terms could be called a serial dater.

She describes the capital’s sex scene as frivolous and short-term. “Like a Contiki tour on a longer scale,” she says. “It’s about instant gratification.”

With lots of up-for-it, interesting, twenty-somethings milling about away from their usual social constraints, there’s a good deal of one-night-stands going on. According to Ruth, it also makes for some preposterous choices. “I think people end up hooking up with others they would never even consider in their home town,” she says.

In between boyfriends, Ruth also went through a string of “inappropriates”.

“One time there was this guy, and my friend was yelling at me not to go home with him – in his presence,” she says. “Although I knew, I didn’t care.”

Despite all – she even considered importing a man once – Ruth too has found a sweetheart in the Penh.

“The sex is great,” she says. “But it’s too damn hot,” she adds, presumably in reference to the weather, not the sex.

At one point she was dating a man who had previously slept with prostitutes.

“He was really stuffed up about it and didn’t quite know what to do with, well, intercourse ultimately,” Ruth says. That’s not an issue in her current relationship. “I’d been out of the country for a while and when I got back the tuk-tuk driver kindly informed me there had been no other girls in our apartment,” she says.

What’s the secret to Ruth’s success?

“No one in the development sector. And no journalists, they know too much,” she says. “You really don’t get anonymity here.”

The Backpackers
If the expat sex scene is fast paced and frivolous, that of the backpacker is going haywire. One Lakeside bar owner described the on-goings in the area as “shambolic”, though a more descriptive term might be shaggadelic.

Maarten and Henk-Pieter, both 22, from the Netherlands confirm that travelling loosens sexual morals, with people on the backpacking trail generally being more “up for it”.

“We’ve only been in Phnom Penh for three nights so haven’t had sex here yet,” says Maarten, “but in other places we have, of course.”
Henk-Pieter agrees.

“It’s easier to have sex when you’re away,” he says. “Also, because you meet people for such a short time, you often only have that one chance to sleep with them.”

Neither of the university students is into paying for sex. “That’s not what we’re looking for,” says Maarten. “But we have been propositioned a lot.”

Henk-Pieter has been surprised by the amount of male backpackers who do have sex with prostitutes.

“It makes it difficult to condemn it when you’re in a big group and you never know if someone else does pay for sex,” he says.

It’s not only male travellers who are ready to get their kit off and jump in the sack. Natalie, who describes herself as a “hippy kind of person”, says she’s definitely more likely to have sex with strangers when travelling.

Africa currently tops her list of destinations with most sexual encounters, but she’s hoping she might score some in Southeast Asia too. With Maarten and Henk-Pieter around, who knows in whose arms she might find herself.

The Older Woman
At the other end of the spectrum, Doreen doesn’t do it.

At 42, she says the meat on offer is generally too old, too young, unavailable, or that of sexpats.
“For me, the sex scene here is non-existent,” she says.

Hanging out with gay women doesn’t help her to entice men. “A lot of people think I’m lesbian too. I must give off a vibe.”

Doreen didn’t come to the Penh alone, but not long after arriving, her partner quite literally ran away with the circus, swinging off with a trapeze artist.

“I certainly wouldn’t have come here single looking to hook up,” she says. “I would have done that in Thailand or India. Anywhere but here really.”

Content with her existence, Doreen is not actively looking for a man.

“I’m at an age where I’m quite happy being single, and I don’t want to be a slapper,” she says. “I’m also quite conscious of the age thing. I don’t want to be a cougar either.”

A potential relationship with a 23-year old consequently fell through. “I’d been drunk before he was born,” she says.

Sex is however not high up on her list of things to do. “If you don’t use it, you lose it,” she says. “It’s true.”

The Single Girl
Almost two decades younger than Doreen, NGO worker Antonia retains her sex drive. Sometimes, that leads to awkward situations, especially when several former partners arrive at the same place at the same time.

“It’s not that you necessarily have a lot of sex here, you just bump into the same pool of people all the time,” she says.

Admitting she could do with some more regular carnal action, Antonia says she and her girlfriends tend to go through long dry spells and then suddenly hit a stream of loverboys and girls. “I was shagging three guys at one point, and then I got no action for ages,” she says. “Perhaps I jinxed it by being greedy?”

A regular at the hotspots of the Penh’s hip and trendy, Antonia has seen a lot of hook ups over the years. Few amount to more than a night of passion.

“A friend of mine recently started seeing this guy,” she says, “but she didn’t want to tell anyone who he was because she didn’t want to find out all the other girls she knows had slept with him too.”

While Antonia maintains large quantities of alcohol often help to lure a man into the sack, leaving the country is the most foolproof way of getting some.

“Coming from here your standards are so low anything will do,” she argues.

The lack of long-term sexual partners, not to mention eligible bachelors is making her question her length of stay in Cambodia.
“I’m not saying there’s a general man drought in Phnom Penh, but there definitely is one for me,” she says. “I just don’t want to stay here until I’m this cynical, sexless, 35-year-old who hates men. Which means I’ll have to leave sooner rather than later.”

The Gays
In contrast, Sabrina has had no trouble finding sexual partners in the Penh. “I’ve had ample opportunities to sleep with people I love here,” she says. “The lesbian scene is small and accessible.”

A friend of hers once created a spider chart connecting Phnom Penh lesbians to each other based on whether they had ever snogged or slept with each other. Sabrina’s girlfriend at the time was linked to quite a few in the diagram. Sabrina too has seen her fair share of action.

“Because of the kind of relationships and friendships that I have, a lot of women have been sexually available to me,” she says. Currently, she maintains most of her lesbian friends, like herself, are in relationships.

“I find my gay friends here are a lot more successful in looking for partners than my straight friends,” she says. “People are looking for and finding relationships, although it can get a bit complicated in a small community.”

According to Jim, the male gay scene is equally small, but with one crucial difference. “I haven’t found anyone who is faithful to his partner,” he says.

The past couple of years has seen the development of a gay scene featuring both expats and locals. Jim maintains a lot of the intimacy going on between gay men has a monetary incentive. “If you’re willing to pay, you can definitely have a quick lay,” he says.

Top pick-up spots in town in include the Heart of Darkness, the Dark Room, and Blue Chilli, as well as a multitude of small, out-of-the-way bars. Though Jim also frequents these places, he is generally not looking for sex. “I’ve been more focused on one guy lately,” he says, “I’ve been a bit out of the loop for the past three years – thank God.”

The Bachelor
Jean-Marc is privy to the lust-driven goings on in the Penh. At 36, the handsome, single Frenchman is a prime target for women.

“It’s very easy,” he says. “I am of interest to Khmer girls because I represent a lot of money, while western women seem to miss sex here.”

Jean-Marc is quick to point out that he refrains from using his relative wealth to take advantage of local women. “I’ve had sex only with westerners here,” he says. “And I haven’t even had a lot of sex, only one girl really.”

Wary of being branded a sexpat, Jean-Marc stresses that while he would be willing to enter a relationship with a local woman, this would only be possible provided that the relationship was not based on financial benefit.

“I made a promise to myself when I was 18,” he says, “and I’ve kept that promise ever since. I respect myself.” The promise was to never pay for sex.

In their hunt for men, Jean-Marc says the capital’s sex-starved expat women face stiff competition from their local counterparts.

“Some of my friends have relationships with Khmer girls,” he says, but notes that unless the Cambodian woman comes from a rich family, there is often an imbalance of expectations in the relationship.

Despite the ample availability of women, Jean-Marc claims he isn’t really up for the game. “A single 25-year-old male, fresh out from university could really have a lot of fun here,” he says, “but I’m not a big hunter. Sometimes, when I feel like it, I go.” And the prey is always there.

The Volunteers
Helene on the other hand is undoubtedly on the prowl. Two months into her volunteering stint teaching English, she has already experienced carnal delights in Cambodia.

“I had a six day-fling in Siem Reap,” she says. Following a bad day, she met a traveller at her guesthouse and decided sex was the solution to her problems. “He was well up for it,” she says.

A weekend trip to Angkor Wat thus turned into a weeklong sojourn, at the end of which her bed mate wanted the two of them to start a bar together in Siem Reap. “But for me he was a means to an end, so I said ‘No, carry on’. We’re still in touch though.”

Other men have also approached her, one even came knocking on her guesthouse door every night. Still, powered by a few drinks, she is undeniably out looking for action in the Phnom Penh nightlife.

So what have we learnt about sex in the Penh?

Well, it certainly occurs. Whether it is either emotionally satisfying or sexually gratifying are separate issues, but there is little, if any, truth to the claim that Phnom Penh is a sexless town. Though the transient nature of the city does have its impact on the sex scene, it also has its positives – one night stands appear to be readily available. And for those who look hard enough, longer term relationships seem possible too.

So if you’re hungry for sex, just put yourself in the shop window. As they say, you can’t win the lottery without buying a ticket, just don’t forget to use a condom.

The names of people in this article have been changed to maintain their anonymity.